Uh uh you cant tell me nothin,...

something i may observe at times...


when people are lost in the world there are several categories people fall into...
some wander or search, some look for hope, ask for help or take drastic measures to find their way--or be noticed.
lonliness, being nonsocial and too fearful of expressing yourself are the wanderers. In some form they know what they want but do not know where to go looking for it--Yet they do. They know they will have to ask someone, let someone try and help them, or trust someone to point them in the right direction. They think severely on any topic to then build up the courage and panic. How can something be so hard for one person? The issue of pride comes in. Also trust. How can i let myself confide in this stranger, even if they are nice. It is a risk everyone must take sometime. The dwellers just worry too damn much.
The outgoing people who thrust themselves onto others looking for comfort and someplace to belong are the people who look for hope. The sluts and whores everyone knows are in this category. They are the ones who want love from everyone and everything. They may hardly think or appear not to, but then they are very bright or have some great ideas. Who knows what is right or wrong--everyone is right! or wrong. is something that runs through their head wether they know it or not.
The smart people who can think on their feet and talk their way through their life are the people who ask for help. Many are successful and find their way using anybody they can for information and they learn as they go. They try and help the wanderers. They talk a lot. they make you feel loved. They will also do anything to have control of their lives but learn as everyone does that people dont have much control over what can happen to them but CAN make very important decisions.
And the people who take drastic measures can be people from other categories but mostly are the people who change to get accepted-to get noticed. they dont know who they are--or are totally different around people they dont know. These are the ones who may be in a high state of depression with mood swings and seek a much better life. but get lost. and will do anything for a change. they may be very dark alone but once around people, they will be very joyful thoughtful listening and caring--when really, all they want is someone to care and listen to them and will do anything to get noticed by that one person.



on a less lighter note...i know these people wont read this so heck with it. :D

asta:you have always been my best friend, but i dont know if we will always be... i havent seen you in forever, and when i do, im with other people so i dont want to tell you what i need to. i get that you should hang with brooke n brandy but im jeealous, again as always. so i dont know if we are gonna make it buddy. and that makes me sad.

katie:i think your learning i dont agree with what everyone says and thinks. like i dont agree that people should make stupid things their main priority or fall in love when we are still in highschool. i dont exactly know how you react when those situations come up. i think u think i kinda crazy but im just saying what i feel and i want to ket you know i do care about what people think of me but i wont conform to what they think is normal. i like being different.

courtney reggg:this is probably the most positive one! i feel ive gotten so close to you and im so thankful yerr here! i dont know how else to say that you big ball of fun. i will never forget you (or that kid by your locker LOL) need to hang out more!!

jocelyn:i feel as though ive been trying too hard to be your friend--in the past. like you didnt care enough to let me in or like i had to pass some test to be aloud in. and jenna and emily just get in for free. i dont know what is up but that makes me feel like shit. i know ive been getting closer to you but i dont want to work so hard just to know more popular people are there like that. and ive known you for awhile now and id love to think we are great friends but who am i kidding, all the stuff ive told you, what do i know about you. i want to be there for you i do, but you arent letting me. i dunno if its for my looks if im not fun enough or if people dont like me that much... i dont know. but i do know a couple other people who feel this way too. so all i can say to you is: find out who your real friends are find out who has your back try to be the best you can be and dont stom on people who love you. im not saying tahts me either, i have the best times with you and i am so glad we are friends, im sorry im not who you want me to be. if you even read this.



if i am to die, at least let me fly.
to numb the pain; to walk down that merry lane

^means before i die, let me express myself and enjoy myself, and do what i want just to make it a little better.




I HAD A DREAM I COULD BUY MY WAYTO HEAVEN
WHEN I WOKE I SPENT THAT ON A NECKLACE...

i guess i shouldnt forget where i came from

2 good days in a row?

so keith, ive been in a good mood...

:) yeah tuesday and wednesday (today) were pretty fly. tuesdays reason was stupid but wednesday i just hung oout with katie, went to school had a normal day but it was just better--prolly case it was sunny jk. i even bombed my poetry presentation (i had to memorize a poem, analyze it and such in front of the class... and i totally forgot everything.)



so my mom is kicking me off the computer--and this was gonna be a good one. well at least she wont read my thoughts like she did last time.. her loss:)

watch out for that freakkkkkkkkkkkkk

OOK,


happy thanksgiving!! i just went to my aunts in delaware, by c-bus. it was kinda queer cause some people we didnt know were there... but it was nice seein the family again.

just so you know i am typing this without looking at the keybourd, and i dont know how to spell. so its taking me awhile

well i went shizopping friday, it was fun with my gma. i got some boots jeans and shirts, cute ones.

i need to make more friends, i swear. i dont have any :) well i have some you know, but i need more.

i also need to learn how to love people. that s one reason i cant sleep at night'









well i got a job... lol kinda. i clean a lot and i get paid for it. how cool. i always need money, so now i can pay people back ** mike** :) i guess i owe him 4 dollas. it was 3 but he raised the price. oh whatever, he bought me taco bell so we re even.

-000000000----0-0-0-0

nothing new, just little stupid details

as the title says, nothing important really just little things that i have been thinking about. So here it is:
Son las once menos veinte, tengo media. (translated: "it is 10:40, i have a half hour.")

UNO:
Journalism two might be harder for me. im so pumped but im probably gonna get there and not know what to do at all! i dont know when the deadlines are, who to turn it into, im gonna look like a freakin idiot. but i cannot wait to go, they seem so close and i want to make more friends outside of Word. :)
DOS:
boys are stupid (well the ones i know.) they are mean, cocky, (stuck-up wayy too confident), try too hard and dont care... abd that would be a turn-off for me. whatever, i just want to meet some new ones so we could make the word scene interesting ... lol jk that sounds weird.
TRES:
im not gonna get married. not that i dont want to... its just that i wont find anyone. im totally would not be a good girlfriend or wife. im probably not gonna live that long.. then i wont have to deal with that stuff! lol. i will probably have a panick attack or something :)
CUATRO:
i had a talk with my dad in the car. a 'talk.' see the thing is... i have been lashing out at him a lot lately, him and mom, just getting mad and not able to talk-over THE STUPIDEST REASONS TOO. and i look back and im like what the fuck, why did i just do that?? So i think he mentioned something that triggered somethin in my small brain- i get mad because i dont get what i want and think i deserve it.. then later sean was reading this stupid libra thing (which is me) and it says you think life isnt fair.. And dar was like thats totally you! so i just opened my eyes. and now the hard part, goig to tell dad sorry and he was right...
but andie gave me a good tip, when i get mad just think WHY am i reacting to this question or comment like this? is it really that big of a deal?
so im gonna try to get into my word more...
CINCO:
i didnt think me and andie would work out too good, like adi and dianna. but of course we havent known eachother longer and she isnt a fleg and she talks a lot and... ect. :) but so from recent talks i feel so much closer. especially since she is like, oh dont worry i wont tell your parents. and she has told me about her life in HS and how messed up she was and tells me stuff and i tell her my embaracing stuff... its great to have someone to talk to that you respect and look up to-but isnt your parent, ya know?? like she is one of my great friends!!
SEIS:
Once upon a time there was this girl. she thought a boy was cute. ahe wanted to catch his attention and speak to him in person and not just online... speakin of embarrasin stuff. no one probably made it this far so what the heck i'll just say it :) you can guess-but its not four. and this guy-i do not like- if i can make it any clearer, message to all: I DID NOT LIKE 4, OKAY? I DID NOT STALK HIM, I JUST TALKED TO HIM ONLINE AND THOUGHT HE WAS HOT. YOU TELL ME YOU DONT WALK DOWN THE HALLS AND THINK OH THAT GIRL/GUY WAS HOT, YOUR A FAG OR A LIAR. SO THATS ALL OKAY?- anyways. this guy if like fuckin 6 1/2 feet tall-thats hot- hes blond-;)- and in journalism. well i have only talked to him online too but some times i see him in the hall. WHY AM I EVEN TALKIN BOUT THIS? SO YOU WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT 4. though he will always be hot- i wish everyone would just stop...
SIETE:
grades... so im basically not doing too good. oh well...


so yeah nothin up really... but i will keep you informed. Son las once menos tres. (it is 10:57)
throw ya hood up, hasta luego, buenos noches, hasta lavista, choi....

ehh i got bored of it so i quit

everyones dream... or nightmare
beginning of VERYYY short story:

PART ONE- drawing the curtains
I'm Cassy, 16, tall blonde and beautiful... people see me as care-free and perfect life. i dont do anything wrong and i have the most beautiful friends.
yeah right
When people see me as perfect... they dont know how wrong they really are. I have a lot of secrets for my time, most of them a little scary. My life goes by like a dream... or a nightmare. It seems i am not in comtrol, well maybe thats because of one f my bad habits. we'll find out in the end. In algebra 5th period, i dont know what we are learning about. I dont day dream or anything. I'm not even in school im at my friends house who lives by the high school-snorting cocaine. I dont know what to do during the day or maybe i dont know what i am doing. But i do know at night i party. and get drunk. I think there has to be more than just this. but i dont know what to do. i have a lot of friends, i do. they arent all into eachother though. so i keep them a secret from eachother. i keep my wierder friends away from my jocks and preps you know-the party people. Its just that i dont even like some of those weirder friends. they all stivk with one group but at the same time are over friendly with people they dont know. i didnt choose to be friends with them either. they are from my church. yeah i know i am ohh soo religious. but i just dont like them interfering with my life, my real life.

PART TWO-the day
"i know people party but every night?" shit i fell asleep again. the whispers and gossip again. the F on my desk again. first period again. school again.
"can i go to the restroom?" i mumbled as the teacher walked past
quick as a flash i was walking down the hallway again.
as soon as i entered the bathroom i checked the stalls to make sure no one was in there, closed the door, and propped a trash can beneath the doorknob so no one could get in.
i looked in the mirror and took a breath, turned to go into my stall and pulled my hair back.

your throut burning isnt the worst part-the taste is. it just makes you want to hack up more. and once you out, wash your hands and face and you feel lighter than air.
i rummaged through my purse for the joint my friend gave me and with no luck, dropped my bag and began to weep.
i woke and realized i was leaning against the bathroom wall-only 5 minutes had passed... oh good.
Why did i just throw up? When? What ever happened to that joint? i didnt want it. i didnt want that taste in my mouth. It was just a flow, a sudden impulse. im so used to doing it my body just behaved naturally.
and i realized i had passed out from no food in my body.
thats what the granola bar is for.
i pulled away the matted hair-drool mixture and dug though my purse again. shoving the little delight in my mouth as i got up and looked in the mirror again.
You know i was looking a little skiniier than last week, im on a role.
Time to go so i flipped my hair back, fluffed it a little, put the trash can back and walked out the door---lie my life is everything i want and more.

As i shut the classroom door behind me, my teach decided to pipe in.
"What took you so long Seniorita Lynn?"
With a litle innocent side-smile i said "Did some lines of cocaine drunk some beer and took a nap, sorry."
She obviousely didnt know what to say but the class got a wave of laughter at that one.
"Go to the office at once Cassy"
"Oh no i was just joking, i had some.. er.. problems..."
She seemed to look embarrased for even asking and at that she said sorry as the class was giglling behind her.
She seemed to end the notes at that

I sat next to Peyton and she handed me a joint.
"you seemed to drop this on your way out"
i turned to her "Oh your a life-saver."
i looked up and there was a girl staring but she quickly looked down.
"So," continued Peyton, flipping back her hair, making the boys behind us smile, "there is this gathering at the river tonight, you in?"
Peyton was said to be more popular than i because of her bigger boobs as more.. ehh... openess with the rest of the world.
"Gathering? You mean party dont you?"
"Whatever.."
"Who is throwing it?"
"Well there is Luke, Max, and Tim who are spreading the word. You know im in when Luke is involved... and of course you can have Max or whoever..."
Another problem i have. Seeing as though Peyton, my best friend, is totally in love with this guy lucas that i have been 'hanging out' with, i do not think im a very good friend.

wAkE mE

when you read this, go to http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=35471600(sleep everyone by powerspace) is a great soundtrack to this...

With so little sleep At least you'd think I'd find some peace in my dreams In my dreams But my mind still winds up on the same thing The same scene The same themes. Cause it's all stuck in my subconscious Built up from every day. So I'm stuck with these nightmares, Where you're gone and so far away... And when I wake up I realize that everything's still wrong; I'm still here and you're still gone; It's not fair Cause either way I spin it Separation seems so wrong. These breaks are far too long for me... Hours and hours I'm stuck inside this place and this town.
And you're gone.
Far away, you're fighting for your life all alone I want to wake up and go home
Cause it's all stuck in my subconscious Built up from every day So I'm stuck with these nightmares where you're gone and far away.
Oh, this tortures me so much that I get sick and I throw up In my dream and here on my bed It's messed up how it's all in my head;;; Yet it's affecting me oh so bad I guess this distance just makes me sick...
Cause when I wake up It's 4 AM and I'm still all alone, Your message on my phone- Don't tell me that sleeping through the night Is never this hard-when you're home Cause I already know ...
cause it's all stuck in my subconscious Built up from every day...


wake me...
___________________________________________
just so you know... that is now my favorite song. doesn't it totally describe how you feel? i daydream A LOT and when i wake up i realize nothing like that is ever going to happen. It is like, if i even think about it, that possibility is gone. its just never going to happen to me. Like you are waiting at American Eagle with a card that could be worth 500, 25, 10, or 5 dollars and your like if i get 500 i would cry! then of course you dont get 500, you get zero. Or like you think about a boy and your like, i could see us together but when you get to school, he just passes you by without a glance and your like.. oh my life sucks.

_______________________________________
The most fabulous day- was today with katielouise and jocelynrenee; two of the best people ever. the only one missing was reggyyy! well we did go shizzoppin and we had a ball. well first we went into abercrombie & fitch and i love it how we walk in, test the perfume, and just sit there talking... adter a couple minutes we realize we are just standing there and say we arent going to buy anything and walk out. then we go to pacsun try on the shoes then sit on the bench, and j-booty kept shoving her ass on us :) LOL. This weird disney store was next-jocelyn's favorite. Then we go to hollister-my new favorite smell-and we each got something. the alarom went off when katie was contemplating on wether or not to buy some shorts, so i turn around and am like KATIE?!? and jocelyn is like SHE COULDNT AFFORD THE SHORTS!! but then she walks up and we start crackin up like a hard boiled egg!!! a BLAST
__________________________________
KTG came to word! and it was fabulous even though she had to leave early. funny story, we were just sitting at a round table and jordan comes up and sits down and we start talking-all 3 of us. it was cool and in the end he found i suck at spanish-failed his little test- and i have not been turning in my HW but i STILL have an A in that class, he was surprised :). he also made the bball team and he's like are you gonna come to our games. and im all who made it? and hes all hmm rory and- and thats when im all OK. LOL. im stupid.
_________________________________
So all in all... i had a great time saturday-november 3rd- without b, mike, and kyle and whoever else went to cbus; here. P.S. MIKE SAID HE WOULD CALL AND TELL ME HOW COLUMBUS IS.. I really hope a couple of things for my future... A) me and jordan can make a kick-ass team B)Katie will start comming regularly. C) reggy will some 2 Word too. D) i can make some more freakin funky friends. E) basketball team will be settled and Teal Titans will rule once again F)4.. always hope :D

_______________________________
MORE TO COME... questions comments? call me 330-285-2277, i like getting calls. you would make my day, unless someone else does before you...

AYYEHMM IZZOUTT

in my head//always

a realization has come over me that comes every now and then just making me more and more miserable. as i look at the pretty girls with the boyfriends i realize i will never ever be like that. i never said i didnt want to, its just that those girls in our school are beautiful and athletic and good at everything... while i am here. i have acne and not a good posture. i am easily distracted and not good at anything. i am a lot fatter than those girls and the pritties look down on me. every one in that high school has had a boyfriend, i can garantee you that. I have not had one yet. no one has asked. well one has asked but hes gone now. i just dont see a reason for even trying anymore-to jut get that one look from that one boy or a 'hey' from a pretty girl. i dont see why some of them cant give me a chance. except the answer is always there, i am ugly.

i have always known that i have never measured up to anele, adi, or asta all my life. so i tried to get noticed in many other ways. one being mean so people would think im a hard ass and maybe be cool. i alo have tried to impress a lot of people by acting differently. it worked-at the time but those friends didnt stay there forever. once they were done with me they would float on to someone prettier or a boy. after awhile they stop hanging out with you, only a hello in the halls, then a smile, then u pass as complete strangers... yeah i know. name anyone in grade nine at SMFHS and 5 out of a 10 that they were once my friend. some are even nerdy like me... but they have boyfriends too and a lot more friends thn me. its too late to change cliques for me... it was too late in th grade when i cam here. i was never in one, and i am used to people hating me. i know that there will always be asta, but where is she now? she is not here. and katie? she has other friends. jocelyn robably hangs out with me because no one else is free. and sarah has become popular once again.

i dont know what to do with myself. i dont even know how to make anymore friends. i an in need of something to cool me down. i dont know what to do with myself. i know im not good enough and i never will be.. so why try? all i want is for people to like me. but i realize i am very boring. i dont know what to do. i cant except compliments anymore. if i get any. they are all lies. i try to act on top but i dont know what to do. i dont know where to go.. i dont kow if i can live. im just here. not living. trying but nothing is happening. i'll take anything. but i dont know what to do...

Pre-review for the stohion...

If you go to SMFHS, read this!

As some of you know, the student run school newspaper, the Stohion, is facing an issue that breaks our rights as people and ruins the integrity of the newspaper. Dr. Jones, the Superintendent, and Mr. Bailey are wanting the Stohion to have pre-review before the issue is distributed. Why? Everyone has an answer in their heads, Dr. Jones was taken aback by an editorial in the september issue. The editorial was on a Board Of Education meeting. I think the end of this article basically sums it up: 'Without community involvement, it appears that the BOE (board of education) will continue to award those in favor and ignore what is the most important-the students.'
So, if you were a board member and reading this how would you take it? Maybe you could get a clue what is going on and what the community wants. Well, when the board was asked, they did not know about the whole pre-review hing. So the houghts of the bord enforcing this were immediatly crossed off. So as th staff of the stohion found out, the only two people who know are Dr. Jones and Mr. Bailey. Following this new information, the class scheduled a meeting with both, Mr. Bailey on Thursday, and Dr. Jones on Friday.
As i have heard from the meeting Thursday, the journalism class advisor told journalism 1 Mr. Bailey didnt really know what an editorial was. It is an article that is someones opinion backed by fact. The staff acted very proffessional this meeting though, as you can imagine, most were probably very upset. Mr. Bailey is sure he will win this, but as he does not know, it is completely illegal. And even to reassure students, he said that he would only spend 5 mintes looking over their paper. This did not get the reaction he wanted obviousely. The students, of course, do not want the pre-review, but if they had to get the paper pre-reviewed, Mr. Bailey would have to take a long time looking at ever period, comma, spell check, fact and quote. mr. Bailey probably does not know what he is in for because once he ofund that the school will be held for any libel or incorrect quote-or any mistake. He said he didnt want to do that either.
The next meeting with Dr. Jones started out with twizzlers he brought to maybe warm our hearts? Well most questions asked theri did not get answered. In fact, if anything, he dogded most of the hard ones. He started with a biography about himself for 10 minutes wasting time about him being a teacher and something else that no one really cared for their. the editor-in-chief remained very proffessional through getting inturrupted and having to ask multiple questions over again. Some important questions asked were: If the two controversal articles were not in the paper, woul dyou still want pre-review? of course he said he didnt know. News is supposed to be controvesial, so why do you have problems with these articles now? he responded that he loves controversy... ok? Have you told any other schools to pre-review their papers like ours? his response? not too clear. In this meeting, someone said something about this being a big deal. He said its not a big deal is it? and the staff reacted with talking over one another and one girl spoke up saying somthing like 'yes it is a big deal to us. this is our paper.'
If the issue gets any bigger, lawyers for this kind of mess will take it national. Students say they are planning to call in news stations too. The sad thing is, if they ask to pre-review it, the staff must let them have it. but if they do, whoever asks will be breaking a law and they ill get into trouble. And half of the staff hopes it to be that way...

"what would the music be without sound? Young Boss, Miss Trina, PitbullLet's show them how we keep downI party like a rockstarLook like a movie starPlay like an all starFuck like a pornstarBaby I'm a superstarAlways posted at the barAlways with couple bossMaybe I'm just that that rawDawg check your resumeI hit something everydayAsk about me n' dey sayThat chico run MIAPitbull and young bossThat’s fireGo girl work it out‘til u tireJust tryin’ to pay your tuitionLiarMy corner is like HBO's wireSo please don't play no gamesAnd baby don't say no namesAnd we can do this one more againNext time you can bring your friendsSo get your friendsAnd I get my friendsAnd we can be friendsdo this every weekend[pre-hook]we can hit your placewe can hit my placeshe’s on my top 8I bagged her off of myspace[Chorus:]Go girl, go girl, go girl, go girlGo girl, go girl, go girl, go girlShake them dice and roll themShake them dice and roll themWhen they ask u whats that danceU say that’s the hustle manYoung Boss:Girl I wanna know your nameGirl who u be?Don’t care with who you cameAs long as u leave wit' meWhat’s you sippin’ on?I buy you a drinkGet u one of them shiny thingsYer Girl pick pinkI see those Jimmy Choos[ Go Girl lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]Those Vera WangsI luv the way u workGirl do your thingu see my stunna shadesI’m like a starMy click is full of ballasWe at the barSo go get your friendsAnd I get my friendsAnd we can be friendsdo this every weekend[Pre hook:]we can hit your placewe can hit my placeshe’s on my top 8I bagged her off of myspace[Chorus:]Go girl, go girl, go girl, go girlGo girl, go girl, go girl, go girlShake them dice and roll themShake them dice and roll themWhen they ask u whats that danceU say that’s the hustle manTrina:Diamond princessI make them bus quickMan I back it upLike a Mack Truck(heavy breathing)Don’t talk about it boyBe about it boyI got them girls boyTurn out your girls boyI'm talking freak nigI’m like a freaky shitCoz you're my freak ___So get your friendsAnd I get my friendsAnd we can be friendsdo this every weekend[pre-hook:]we can hit your placewe can hit my place she’s on my top 8 I bagged her off of myspace [Chorus:]Go girl, go girl, go girl, go girl Go girl, go girl, go girl, go girl Shake them dice and roll them Shake them dice and roll them When they ask u whats that dance U say that’s the hustle man"



So. Word halloween party Saturday. Yeah not too exited. courtney isnt going. and none of my other friends are.
But that is okay i guess. i just gootttaa find someone new. the lord will show me.

soo i got invited to a party satuday, and im not going cause of word so dont freak out. it sounded reall cool. well not really but it sounded hot so im disappointed. (dont even ask what thats supposed to mean.) Well i dont even know the kid thats inviting me so im not gonna go. if i knew him i would go. but why i would go? cause its at a certain four's house :) just a hot guy.. haha yeah right i know..

Well i dont know if im still going to go dressed up to the halloween party. maybe i'll just take of my wings early. thats gonna hurt... haha joke. well i am gonna go now. shorty short one

ehh i got bored of it so i quit

everyones dream... or nightmare

beginning of VERYYY short story:


PART ONE- drawing the curtains
I'm Cassy, 16, tall blonde and beautiful... people see me as care-free and perfect life. i dont do anything wrong and i have the most beautiful friends.
yeah right
When people see me as perfect... they dont know how wrong they really are. I have a lot of secrets for my time, most of them a little scary. My life goes by like a dream... or a nightmare. It seems i am not in comtrol, well maybe thats because of one f my bad habits. we'll find out in the end.



In algebra 5th period, i dont know what we are learning about. I dont day dream or anything. I'm not even in school im at my friends house who lives by the high school-snorting cocaine. I dont know what to do during the day or maybe i dont know what i am doing. But i do know at night i party. and get drunk. I think there has to be more than just this. but i dont know what to do.

i have a lot of friends, i do. they arent all into eachother though. so i keep them a secret from eachother. i keep my wierder friends away from my jocks and preps you know-the party people.

Its just that i dont even like some of those weirder friends. they all stivk with one group but at the same time are over friendly with people they dont know. i didnt choose to be friends with them either. they are from my church. yeah i know i am ohh soo religious. but i just dont like them interfering with my life, my real life.

PART TWO-the day
"i know people party but everynight?"
shit i fell asleep again. the whispers and gossip again. the F on my desk again. first period again. school again.

halloween(:

so i am totally going as the angel of death to that halloween party at aneles! i wasnt too thrilled but now that i have wings... i am!!! yes i have BIG black wings. ok i am wayy too excited about this party. well katie will be the devil and i will be peyton the angel. here im gonna explain it to yaa::
-black wings
-strapless ripped up black flowyy dress
-chunky boots
-i need big black necklace and earrings.
-and i want black extensions...
-GONNA ME SWEEET.

im gonna be totally goth and shiit. but yeah so cool.

sorry

about that dowen therr. i was really pissed. well i had a weird weekend.
FRIDAY:
-so exited about the game
-mom adi jeff and dad left from our house to DMT
-ciute came
-pizza hut
-GAME
-free arabica food
ended the night hating people

SATURDAY:
-babysitting with asta
*fun with asta
*megan pooped in the hallway :D sorry but it was really funny
*i hate that dog
-mcdonalds :( too much fast food
-ciutes hous
-missed CT
-out to dinner
-blades of glory

SUNDAY:
-mom adi anddad home
-out to brunchfast.
-come home.
-now.. im here.
-going to a bonfire with katie later

MONDAY:
yet to be written

so i guess it wasnt too weird. but i was REALLyY mad at bianka friday. well not bianka. more like Alex, Jordan, Aaron and whatever bitch was hanging with them.

and yeah that hot chocolate wasnt good on the stomach.

have you ever wanted to start over?

...with people i mean. not like oh that was a bad intro more like i knew this person and now i wish i never met them. yes i have a few. one i will not say his name cause some of you know him, we will just call him Y. Y was one of my fucking best friends for awhile. but guess what. he is pretty and doesnt like girls with acne and.. never mind taht would prolly give it away. i really fucking dont like him right now. he takes my friend AGAIN. so i guess im not going to be friend with bianka anymore cause any time i am around her i am either mad, left out, not good enough, not pretty enough, but mostly jealous. sso Y takes her away for the last time, and thats the last straw-for both of them. then there is alex. i dont really know him anymore but he basically make me feel the same way. so i wish i never met that kid and my life would be a lot better. but i did meet both of them, and bianka so my life sucks a little more case of them.

like it doesnt SUCK. i like it its just that it isnt as good as it could be because i met them. so i just wish i had the friends i have now, some other people i would like to be friends with -(H, K, A, S, R, M, A...) just because they look fun- and it would be perfect. but its not gonna happen. so im cool with it.


My version: I saw your face, the one you made when you walked by. You should feel ashamed.
Jack's Mannequin's version: I read your letter, the one you left when you broke into my house. I'm retracing every step you made.

yeah i like theirs better too.

CAPS=HAPPY

CAPS LOCK=HAPPY
HAPPY=I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING
I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING=COULD BE ANYTHING...

WELL IT ISNT JUST ANYTHING. ITS A COUPLE OF THINGS. NOT ALL ARE GOOD, ONE IS WEIRD, AND ANOTHER IS A SURPRISE TO ME...

-I HAPPEN TO TURN IN THIS ONE THING BUT MY HISTORY TEACHER LOST IT SO SHE ISNT COUNTING IT SO I WAS GETTING A C. BUT THEN I RAISED MY GRADE TO A B SOME HOW. (OK REALLY BORING)
-I TALKED TO THREE GUYS I DIDNT KNOW YESTURDAY. (THIS IS THE WEIRD ONE) IT ISNT A BIG DEAL TO ME ITS JUST THAT LIKE WTF?? I DONT KNOW SORRY...
-ASTA IS BACKK!
-I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN I THOUGHT
-I 'TALKED' TO SOME ONE HOT! HAHA YOU SHOULD KNOW WHO THAT IS :))

SO THAT LAST ONE MADE ME HAPPY EEN THOUGH IT WASNT THAT LONG OF A CONVERSATION ND IT WAS ON MYSPCE. SO WELL IF YOU KNOW ME... I'D SAY IM PRETTY COOL AFTER ALL.



OHH-OH-OH-OH-OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO THIS FRIDAY IS GONNA BE THE SHIIT. ME CHICA BIANKA IS COMMING TO STOW VS. NORDONIA EL FUTBOL NOTEAMERICANO GAME! SO WE WILL PROBABLY HANG OUT BEFORE OR AFTER OR BOTH! YAYYYYY I HAVENT SEEN ME AMIGA B IN FOREVER!!
I KINDA JUST WANT IT TO BE ME AND HER THOUGH AND NOT ME AMIGA ASTA. IT IS OBVIOUS THAT EVERYONE LIKES ASTA BETTER SO IM JUST LIKE: SHE IS GONNA STEAL HER! PROBABLY AGAIN. JUST LIKE MALlORY. ITS Not HER FAuLT. BUT I GUess THAT is JUST selFISH.... so i will probably invite err anywy. im becomming sad again... hold on lemme think of something


OH RIGHT OF COURSE! YOU SHOULDAA GUESSED IT. IT STARTS WITH AN F!!!
HOLD ON THAT SOUND WEIRD.
MAYBE STARTS WITH A K AND ENDS WITH A YLE.
NOT KYLE MCCALLUM. OH WHATEVER IGNORE ME...

HOW BOUT IT FOR THEM INDIANS??

SO CLOSE GAME.
TOO BAD I WAS BABYSITTING.
DANG LIL KIDS... JUST KIDDING.

SO TONIGHT I DONT KNOW WHAT WE DOING FOR WORD BUT IM GOIN TO KATIE'S! ITS GONNA BE SWEET. I HAVENT SEEN JOCELYN IN AWHILE SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT TO TALK BOUT.
SO WRITE NOW IM TRYING TO FIND A GOOD SONG FOR MY MYSPACE. IM ON WAYY TOO MUCH. WELL IM LOOKIN AT MIMS RIGHT NOW. I LIKE THE INTRO TO LIKE THIS. ITS KINDA STEP UP-ISH. "THIS IS WHY IM HOT, GOT IT ON HER PHONE" HAHA ITS A GOOD ONE I THINK I'LL TAKE IT. OH WAIT NO; MAYBE T.I.! YEAH I LIKE THAT HURT SONG. AWW WHAT YOU KNOW, ITS A GREAT SONG. I HAD IT A LONGGGG TIME AGO. THATS WHEN I FELL IN LOVE...
WITH T.I. :)

O.K. YEAH THAT WAS MY MUSIC COMMENTARY FOR THE TIME.
BE BACK Y'ALL

damn

I dont know but boys are really annoying. like a couple days ago they would NOT stop bothering me and im just like smile and laugh cause what else can i do? if i act like jordan then they will fucking make fun of me. i was trying to explain to someone that i would rather be with my girl-friends than the others. and i really want to get back together with like Tyler and some other guy friends cause they were really mature compared to other people! and i kinda do miss them...
Anyways.. my night with katie & Jocelyn saturday is going to be so fun!

and i have a plan... its called operation#4
part A: run into #4 when i see him someday and say "oh hey... sorry"
part B: walk with shelly and when she says hi i say hi because SHE KNOWS HIM and I HATE HERR!!!! lol, i love shell bell.

Home Coming

home coming was great with jocelyn and katie. that was the only good part- jocelyn and katie. well adi said somethhin real nice tht made my day:). but next time i am definitley going with all girls. like all girls as in katie, jocelyn, asta, courtney, and sarah. they will prolly get dates but no use for guys (except number 4).
yeah next time i will dance more, because i will be going with my friends. i did dance with katie but it was akward cause she was with M and in the center of everything. i dont like the sweaty-ness. haha good thing for clinical strength deoderent! well i am so wearing heels next years. maybe. well i cnnnot wait for asta to go :D

BIRTHDAY

sorry i haven't been blogging lately. busy with school and shits. well. i am such a spoiled bitch. do u know wht i got for b-day? i will tell you!

1. iPod video!!!!
2. 1,2,3 seasons of ONE TREE HILL!!!!!!!!!!!
3. lotssa money (imm gonna use some to buy OTH4 on iTunes!!)
4. clothes
5. giftcards
6. giftcards to clothes stores
7. books
8. photo book
9. cds
10. sweatshirts :) sooo cute
11. candy!
12. more candy (all gone by now) srryyy

and prolly more....

soo you see. how am i supposed to live with soo nice of friends and famiy :D.

i want home coming to be over with already. but i cant wait to go with KAtie. and i really am looking forward to getting ready with the word gals. poor courtney :( cant go. so. (KATIE JUST SO YA KNOW REMEMBER 2 THINGS: 1. BRING SPARKELING GRAPE JUICE OR SOMETHIN BEFORE HAND AND 2. GIRLS ARE MEETING AT ANELE'S EARLIER THAN DINNER TO GET READY, SO IF YOU WANT IT WILL TOTALLY BE SUPAA FUN!)

B. not b, b. Bianka b. (i have called her b longer than i have bryan.) ii am kinda talkin to her and it is so great! i miss her tons :(. her & Mal. losing 2 best friends... *sigh*. well i dont know what im gonna do with myself b4 the nordonia game. i know i will be clinging to her while im there :) she will just have to live with that ;).

i like my beat down low and my top let back see me ride 24... and thats the way it is.

the best birthday ever....

was today... and yesturday! sarah courtney and katie are some hilarious girls and i had SO much fun!!!!
i love them all and cannot wait to hang out again!!!!!



i got some cool shit ;) cant wait for my REAL birthday sunday...

grrr

i do not like this idea of going as a group to home coming but splitting of into pairs as just friends. whatever. if b wants to go he can go, in our group. but I am going with MY friend chelsea and hopefully katie will go too. but i just think it would be better to go with friends-girl friends. (: thats it.

"that wont kill me, it will only make me stronger"

"Work it harder make it better, do it faster makes us stronger,more than ever, never over,Our work here is never over"
damn i love that song, you should check itt (Kanye West-Stronger)

anyway. i think i made a mistake and i feel really bad. i dont know what to do :( i just know i messed up. "Dont act like i never told ya"


sooo the baptisms are off :( sucks ass. because of the stupid weather. i feel bad for anele and chloe, they were so excited.
:*(

bbl.

if you read all of this your my hero...

"picture perfect turned to worthless.
bittersweet the taste is like ash in my mouth.
love we had it you're a bad habit I'm ready to give you up i give up.
silly me for thinking honesty is something given free.
i make the rules and this is how it ends.
heartbreak baby is half the fun
you bring the bullets i'll bring the guns
take ten steps now turn and drawi shoot from the hip then watch you fall
heartbreak baby is half the fun
you bring the bullets i'll bring the guns
take ten steps now turn and drawi shoot from the hip then watch you fall
scenes of passion never lasted
your mistakes are too much to put behind
i am tired with no desire to put together things that just fall apart silly me for thinking honesty is something given free
i make the rules and this is how it ends
heartbreak baby is half the fun
you bring the bullets i'll bring the guns
take ten steps now turn and draw
i shoot from the hip then watch you fall
heartbreak baby is half the fun
you bring the bullets i'll bring the gunstake ten steps now turn and draw
i shoot from the hip then watch you fall
then watch you fall
silly me for thinking honesty is something given free
i make the rules and this is how it ends
heartbreak baby is half the funyou bring the bullets i'll bring the guns
take ten steps now turn and draw
i shoot from the hip then watch you fall
heartbreak baby is half the fun
you bring the bullets i'll bring the guns
take ten steps now turn and draw
i shoot from the hip then watch you fall"
-shoot from the hip-
a change of pace

Heartbreak baby is half the fun

i got the dress. i dont want to go.
why do people even have to go and get dates. its so stupid. i hate everything about it.
or how bout why cant there be someone that i like. that likes me.

"you make me smile please stay for awhile....
what am i gonna say when you make me feel this way...."
(bubbly-colby caillat)

"Picture perfect, Turned to worthless, Bittersweet, the taste is like ash in my mouth. Love we had it. You're a bad habit, I'm ready to give you up. I give up.
Silly me for thinking honesty is somethingGiven free, I make the rules. And this is how it is"
a change of pace

"take care of you and i will take of me were just lonely hearts looking for melody..." a change of pace

school is cool...

it really is! the periods are shorter so i am like saweeeet. the only bad thing is the friggin frigger amount of stuff we have to carry. :((( now i have to go make a philosophy society flyer!!!!! but i dont know what room and when we are meating.. hmm so if u people know, tell meeee :))

ok soooo Lori (Deloris) used to come to Word!!! and now, she is in my class!!!! and wants to come again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think the Lord is saying something! sooo please be praying for her!

TOMARRO IS DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOOO!! 6-6:45
... it will bw interesting because right after i go to home church, gonna be a great teaching i bet, in my tights and leotard and shittt... so dont make fun of mee...

later at 8 is prayer. WTF, why freacking 8?/???????????? i dont like it >( i guess i will just take a shower at 7-7:30, yes people thats right i shower at night cause i am too freggin lazy in the mornin :). ok ...

yeah i am gonna change out of this skirt (not the right day for it) and start on the flyer....

more pics i made:DD

astaa!!!! it is an aim icon :)


just in case you have not seen my mad skill




i spelled hilarie wrong :(





favorite actress.. ever, Keira Knightly

sophia!! amazin, well i really like this picture of her but not the one i made below... so whatever.











yeah blahh ugly, well shes not, just the way i did it.










hayden is basically amazin, no more to say....

whoopi crap

ssoo ttooddaayy ii jjuusstt ggoott bbaacckk ffrroomm llaabboorr ddaayy ccaammppiinngg wwiitthh mmyy cchhuurrcchh.. i am really kind of tired but, yeah. camping was reallyy fun. just like every year. Florida and Labor day, best vacations ever. well, you see, i bought a 12 pack of gatorade, and i think someone threw it away. well, i drank 8, then becky took one, mike took one then took the other 2 by his tent, then they disapeared. i was mad. but mike did say he was gonna buy me two more :) yayyyy. i got 50 million bug bites, and poison ivy all over. then when we were playing CTF, Kyle freakin ran right into me and i freakin twisted my ankle back. and i ate too much sugar its not funny and i cannot wait to get my hair cut!

i guess jocelyn got a date to homecoming. i dont think im gonna get one. im hoping for a certain one (or 2 but the other is a friend) but i dont think he will ask me. you know how it goes, you are hoping but it never happens. dianna said she would take me... just kidding. jocelyn probably has a date, adi probably will anele will too, katie will probably meat someone, shelly and chloe will, even asta might get freakin' asked! and i will be alone :( i just wanna go see what it is like- yeah right, i want to dress up!!!

i have so much to be thankful for so i should shut-up. camping was great! the wordites are so cool! i have a great family, a best friend, a katie, other friends, a great party comming up, the family of God, GOD, doggy and kitty (oh yeah our hamster died today, YES another thing to be thankful for, no i will miss her, but ''for real''.) you, i have good teachers, just God gave me so much :D!

VACATION

c ya tuesday!!!

first day...

first day and i have homework. algebra is easy though. but i have to study a spanish ws. for a quiz. well i am pretty pooped. so byebye.

highschool.

so today is the last day of summer.
tomarro i will be grown up
i dont wanna grow up
i like being a kid.

today is lasting forever, i just wanna get tomarro over with. i dont know what it is going to be like. i dont know what to do when i walk in, and i have no idea where to sit, pathetic, yeah i know. but lunch is gonna be busy, and scary. o jeeze. if anyone has lunch 10, tell mee cause then imma cling to you.
im scared.

goodbye, i am gonna die.

"if you care."

so. it is 1:10. i canot get to sleep, my head is bleeding, my friends 'forgot' to invite me to watch a movie, well my sister doesnt want me there, i just think they dont like a little freshman around, which is cool with me. i just want to find my own friends for once. not the kind that dont talk to you after a fun night, or the kind that dont talk to you at all. i want someo one who when i see them, we start talking right away and can go on and on-and i want someone who when i ask them a question they will want to listen to me too. i want to find these kinds of friends in Word. but it is hard. i feel as though i am trying to get to know them and some of them, dont care. J and B and sometimes T i really like talking to, and they are my friends. but like the one i have known the longest just seems like a little freshman cannot be their friend. i just want them to know me, not what everybody thinks i am, like a whiny, lazy, bossy, angry, judgmental bitch. i know i am those things, but thats not ME.

poems under my bed...

i got an idea, maybe i should put some poems up here. then i remembered, i ripped them all up and threw them in the trash. so i found one of my older poem books... they are soo not good.

1.
i was convinced for a minute there that i was beautiful
until you walked by and i didnt catch your eye.

2.
ha ha ha
why i laugh
no one knowa
i like the sound
i like the feeling
its the only thing that keeps me going
but when i laugh with you
its even better
the world freezes and we laugh together

3.
to love is something
to be loved is everything

4.
the clock is ticking by
oh my
im waiting for the chance i get to see you
and its just to say hi

5.
no one knows who they are
and if they broke someone elses heart

soo, they all suck, and they all are weird, but i am NOT like that anymore. that is how i was. yeah, loser... right?
once i find my better ones i will put then up too :D

"All around me are familiar faces-worn out places, worn out faces"

___so today is august 25th. today means several different things to me. today, the 25th ia a saturday. saturday is CT. saturdays are when i need the Lord to bring outreach to me, to ct. saturday is always a good day, but when its over it is sunday. saturday is a time of joy. saturday is when you can get work done with taking your time. saturday is fun.
__august 25th a year ago was the first day of 8th grade, the first day of the last year that i could be a kid, withought many responsibilities. the first day that ruined an almost perfect summer. the first day i realized blowout camp is never comming again. the first day of the last year at the stink-hole kimpton. the first day of a great school year.
___august 25th is the last saturday before the big highschool. in a week from august twenty-fifth, i will be in a tent with my very best friend. in a week i was planning to explore east harbor... at night. in one week from saturday, august 25th, i will be in highschool, i will know all my classes and teachers, i will know what to expect... but in one week, i will be stressed and tired from highschool.
and if you are still here. august 25th is someones birthday. he used to be my friend, he used to be cool. but what ever happened. i dont know. i can just say, hes not here anymore, and we all loed him.





happy birthday alex

hilarie burton

so i made these, yeah skill huh? well katie gave me this paint shop thing and i am in love with it :). i can do anything with is. these pictures are of hilarie burton, another thing i love. she is peyton on my favorite show, one tree hill. p.sawyer is my favorite, for ever and ever. my favortie picture is the 2nd one down (green). pretty cool, right? well hilarie burton was on mtv's trl. she has a kinda southern accent in real life, but on OTH she covers it up. she is extremely hilarious and so is her co-star, sophia bush. now katie, she likes brooke more (sophia) but no-one on that show can beat peyton elizabeth sawyer, the struggling artist. :)

9thgrade

so9thgradeisgonnabereallyinteresting. i bet you didnt get that. well i tried to see where all my rooms were. it was interesting, all i now is that for 1 or 2 classes, i willl be chuggin it. no, not as bad as my friends:) i feel sorry for then. anywaysss... here is my schedule. if you know anything about the teachers, do tell, because... i just gotta know ;)

1. american history (218) brewer
2. english cp (138) tichnell (?)
3. spanish1 (103) jurmanovich
4-5. study hall (art room)
6-7. science (150) gardner
8-9. journalism (110) donaldson
10. LUNCH!
11. algebra (209) marschik
12. microsoft applications (TECH) murray
END OF THE DAY :DDDDDD

soooo, i normally dont like school-at all. i hope this year will be interesting, and different. i heard from adi-da that my history class is really easy. that is very gooood for me because i suck at that kinda stuff. the algebra is a piece of cake. i cannot wait for journalism and microsoft applications. believe it or not, i love writting. not too gooood with the whole spelling issue though. i think the only class i will have trouble with is spanish... definitly. but i will do best in lunch-yumm (no algebra.) believe it or not, i love it, it is reeeaaallllyyyyyy easy. i hope i can remember everything i learned though.
i have trouble remembering things. i cannot remember anything from 8th grade, except perhaps the last few days of school, and when mr. miller got mad and threw a pencil at veronica. (my fault :[ ) from 7th grade i remember mrs. ellis and mrs. b...b...b... never mind, i dont remember her. in 6th grade i just remember the first day of school, and in 5th the day the guy i liked called me pretty (wtf right?).
soo, i guess i remember a little bit more than i thought ;). but i dont remember anything i learned, taht is my point.
...which is amazing because i had ms. walker as a teacher (that little devil.) worst person ever but a great teacher. she got me from a D to a B+!!! haha that was really funny.
ok, so i am excited for school, but if i get lost, dont make fun of me.





:DDDD

1:20am

goin to bed... again

homechurch/orentation

katie came to home church :)))))))))
i am soo happyyyyy.....
the teaching was pretty good. b's part was funny, so was joe. it got me thinking about the end of the world. i mean yeah i do think about it constantly but i didnt know some of the stuff they taught on. i didnt even know what the tower of bable was for!!

i cant sleep. it is 1:07am. orientation is at 9:00am. i am tooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

birthday

September 23rd. whoever reads this shall bring me 1 gift :) hopefully.

myspace addict

oh myspace, myspace. i love it sure, but there is just one problem- I AM ALWAYS ON! i go on the computer its there, i say i will be on for a couple minutes, an hour passes, i dont know whats so good about it anyway. i can keep in touch with old friends i guess. but i just cant stop. oh yeah yeah i have tried. but it doesnt work, i will become a fat lazy bum if i am on any more!!!

i DO want to learn how to make layouts though. katie (g) is a genius with those kinds of things. i have been trying to teach myself but i am not quite there yet.

Homechurch is tonight. our last oone before the new year... oh man. i dont want school to start! ug so boring. ast least i get to see friends. i love my friends :). even though some are pretty messed up, i cant say that i am not messed up.
highschool better be good. well i am hoping it is.
well maybe its better than myspace.


-elli marie-

Wedsnesday

i missed prayer, that sucked ass, i am soo sad.
but i saw lion king at playhouse square!!
the coolest play everrrrrrr
my cat could totally make that play though. he is sooo cute! what would i do without him?????

prayer probably kicked butt.

so me n asta are having a rad partay at splah lagoon, it will be sweet. i hope my peeps and her peeps all can make it. i dont know, mine seemed pretty excited.
asta was a little iffy about inviting lets call her B. B has a sister that gets a long fine with J but when B comes in it is like hell. so asta was gunna invite J and B's sister. she just didnt want B to release her fury. but i got my people settled. K, J, C, and S. they are some of the hottest chicks out there people. haha.

i dont want school to start... poop. but its gunna have to for my party.. ;)