a realization has come over me that comes every now and then just making me more and more miserable. as i look at the pretty girls with the boyfriends i realize i will never ever be like that. i never said i didnt want to, its just that those girls in our school are beautiful and athletic and good at everything... while i am here. i have acne and not a good posture. i am easily distracted and not good at anything. i am a lot fatter than those girls and the pritties look down on me. every one in that high school has had a boyfriend, i can garantee you that. I have not had one yet. no one has asked. well one has asked but hes gone now. i just dont see a reason for even trying anymore-to jut get that one look from that one boy or a 'hey' from a pretty girl. i dont see why some of them cant give me a chance. except the answer is always there, i am ugly.
i have always known that i have never measured up to anele, adi, or asta all my life. so i tried to get noticed in many other ways. one being mean so people would think im a hard ass and maybe be cool. i alo have tried to impress a lot of people by acting differently. it worked-at the time but those friends didnt stay there forever. once they were done with me they would float on to someone prettier or a boy. after awhile they stop hanging out with you, only a hello in the halls, then a smile, then u pass as complete strangers... yeah i know. name anyone in grade nine at SMFHS and 5 out of a 10 that they were once my friend. some are even nerdy like me... but they have boyfriends too and a lot more friends thn me. its too late to change cliques for me... it was too late in th grade when i cam here. i was never in one, and i am used to people hating me. i know that there will always be asta, but where is she now? she is not here. and katie? she has other friends. jocelyn robably hangs out with me because no one else is free. and sarah has become popular once again.
i dont know what to do with myself. i dont even know how to make anymore friends. i an in need of something to cool me down. i dont know what to do with myself. i know im not good enough and i never will be.. so why try? all i want is for people to like me. but i realize i am very boring. i dont know what to do. i cant except compliments anymore. if i get any. they are all lies. i try to act on top but i dont know what to do. i dont know where to go.. i dont kow if i can live. im just here. not living. trying but nothing is happening. i'll take anything. but i dont know what to do...
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3 comments:
Elli, the first step to fulfillment is always being under Grace...
How to get under grace, you should read this blog I wrote, it's called "The Walk for Christ" it may help you out...
http://smalley.neoblogs.org/the-walk-for-christ
shit elli, and i thought i was negative.
How could all compliments be lies?
Ill tell you the truth - Your not ugly, and your definitely not fat.
You dont always have to fit into groups. I hang out with people that drink and do drugs and stuff, i dont do that shit, and i make it known, same with God, i make that shit known, people know that its my life. Ell, seriousely why do u care so much if ur in "the cool"? You can redefine cool, you have the power, and u also have something all the cool kids dont, - your going to heaven. You should break into the cliques u speak of, and let it be known of ur status for christ, some will dis, but some will be interested. You hold the gift of perfectiion in gods eyes in your hands, to keep it for yourself, or just share with the people you want to be cool with, is semi-selfish, reach out to the kids who arent cool, make good friends with them, usually the kool kids are the ones drinkin and doing drugs anyways. and u dont need that shit.
Oh, and having past boyfriends and girlfriends isnt always the best thing either, why would it be a good thing to say, yeah ive had 8 boyfriends, and now im on 9, its good that u havent. The only real purpose to date someone is to marry them in the end, why else? well in todays society its for sex, and ur not tryin to get into that type of thing , at least i hope, so i mean dating is semi-pointless right now, unless ur superserious. I mean like i dont mean to sound like a hypocrite or anything, cuz u know i mean we've talked before about this type of thing, its just that the complete truth is that, its pointless unless u realize that having that "GF/BF" relationship is pointless unless ur gonna get married. Well i tried to make sense there, if u cant understand just let me know.
It's not that you need to read the word more.. It runs much deeper then that elli.
its sin that has a grip on you, and the Lord can't bring you out of it himself. You have to make the decision to let the Lord BREAK YOU! Now that may sound odd or harsh, but the reason why you find yourself lonely, depressed, and especially stuck inside your head is because you aren't willing to let the Lord break down your flesh, and trust me, it isn't something thats easy to go through.
And another thing that even I struggle with all the time is being significant. Significance does not come from claiming the significance for yourself. It comes from those who give it to you... Here's an example, Julius Ceauser was most liekly he most powerful man of his time, but he thought he had earned the power himself and claimed the position of High Priest of the Earth. This foolish mistake he made cost him his power and even his life...
Elli don't look at what you have now. For all the things you have now will be gone, swept away like dust! Look to what is eternal, your identity in Christ...
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