your choice: pics or poems, tragic or depressing

when you look at me,

what do you see?

scared quiet and shy

could that really be me?

when you look at her,

what do you see?

bubbly, talkative, friendly

could that really be she?

so why cant i be like she?

everyone tells me just to be me.

me isnt good enough compared to she

now that i dont care about she

how much i try, i can never be me

......

I come home to an open door

those flashing lights are oh so invisible

why cant you just let me have more

I let you tell me what to do

thinking for myself gets me nowhere

no use, your words are so true

following this map in my head

going circlesaround the same room

i will soon be dead

trying, i just cant stop

tell me i just cant love

say the words to make me drop

something always leads me to you

reading, writing, talking

thing is you love me too

its with you i dont have to be scared

always loving people doesnt work

other's P.O.V. the feelings werent shared

so as i come crawling back

im praying for a heart attack

at night u leave those lights on to shine

that open door saves me everytime

.....

The beat of war reigns onCan you hear the sound of marching drums?Bullets fill the skyMen kill to show their nation's prideThe smell of death and bloodHold memories of your loved ones close,Find hope in pain, my friend,Brothers in arms until the end.Slumber sweet with dreams of home,Hand in hand, don't march alone.We've got a thirst for your bloodIt's pumping through our veinsWait till the moment's right,Show no mercy[x2]What do we have to fear?Lock stock let's blow them all awayThen hide yourself in sleepHopeful they'll take you in the night,Eyes bloodshot red and straining,You'll see the ghost inside their eyesA country left in tearsWatching their flag burn and die.Slumber sweet with dreams of home,Hand in hand, don't march alone.We've got a thirst for your bloodIt's pumping through our veinsWait till the moment's right,Show no mercy[x2]Dreams of homeWe've got a thirst for your blood(We've got a thirst for your blood)Wait till the moment's right,Show no mercyWe've got a thirst for your bloodIt's pumping through our veinsWait till the moment's right,Show no mercy[x2]

**********all pictures words are song lyrics by bethany joy galleotti or a change of pace*******

love my cat

"oh his misfortunes have been very great indeed." Mr. Darcy


hey yo you. havent been here for while foo.
Well this past week, though dragging on to what may be eternity, has been very awesome!
so i had the chance to read pride and prejudice before my highschool life began. thats where all the quotes are comming from.
"you arrogence conceit and selfish distain made me realize you were the last man on earth i would ever be prevailed upon to marry." Eliza Bennet (from memory)
Elizabeth bennet, what an awseom character she is. soo tribal. filled with concern for only people she cares for... yet shes got so many guys trippin over her. I admire her for her intelligence, natural common sense, individuality (at the time), ability to make any situation humorous yet she knows when to be serious and is perfectly rational, unlike her 2 sisters and mother. too bad she is a fictional character because she would be on individual that i hold in high respect for :D.
BACK TO MY WEEK :)
after that hour or so of Pride & Prejudice in my Jane Austen corner, monday school loomed around the corner (actually five and a half hours later.) Monday... what can i say? Mondays are bad. i was tired and fell asleep more than once. I got some compliments such as oh well you look cute today and let's bang... taht put some spark into it for a minute or two. Monday i DIDNT finish my story OR do my algebra NOR did i sprint during track do to my retard leg. Not too many positive things listed but i still felt SUPERB cause tha painter left, track made me feel awesome, cell was sweeeeeet and indre's teaching was sweeet which caused my very sluggish return to mi casa. I went to bed thinking i would get right to sleep when as soon as i shut my eyes at 12:46, they opened at 3:52--my normal time-- and closed only to be renched open by an obnoxious alam clock at 6:28. after pressing th sleep button a couple times, i realized it was seven and assumed i would be late to school. running to school i got therr on time. watched a haulocast movie, fell asleep, went through my day until you know kyle yelled at me in 8/9 journalism 2. Went on, late to algebra for th 48th time this year and headed out to the field hous with hilary. a certain blonde haired boy was behind us but hilary wouldnt let up so i just kept going on to my doom as a distance runner. poop. 3 hours later i came back, felt great! passed out, cell group, shower, passed out.
TUESDAY... ugh i hate tuesdays more than any day. its when you are stuck between monday and the middle of the week. slept in periods 1 and 2. 3rd period jurmanovich spanish is a bitch. zombied through 4/5 art, jon being an ass. participated in science, interviewed Stefi 8/9 her lunch & j2. skipped luch to write. only wrote 2 sentences. algebra is a fuck. someone broke a racket in gym so we didnt do anything the (dun dun dun) TRACK. 20 minute run OUT through NEIGHBORHOODS and STREETS to get LOST, the 20 minutes back! that was gay so i go home 3 hours lata and sleep to wake up at 7"30 and write a story on CHEERLEADING in half an hour till prayer. prayer was funn. though kyle ripped and burned my 30 minute paper then giving it a B. it was good! puss. jk.
AHH wednesday...woke up late for the 3rd time this week, lateeeee to first period...6/7 i got a cut slip but they didnt do anything. j2 handed my story in, final 1, then handed final 2 in so hopefully i can do my page tomarrow!! LUNCH was kinda cool cause i talked to gina more and i didnt feel like she was annoyed by me. here sister is funny... anyway, i went to track to SPRINT and what a workout that is! i felt so tired and so AWESOME! all the other girls were like dead but me, i was pumped.. well till we did the form workouts, ran, more form, ran, form, ran, form and stretched. 3 hours later, i went bra shopping w/ sister mom. it was quite humorous. got home at 7. ate hw, sposed to meet w/ andie at 8 wanted to get back at 9 30 but shes here at 9... damnit, im gonna be tired again.
AT LEAST I DONT HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL FRIDDAYY! thankyou Lorrrdddd.
though i prolly eont get my page done by then :/
just gonna have to skip algebra :D

yayyyyyy.
fun week, though i hardly read bold love or my bible and didnt clean my room much for me mama.
but LORD PLEASE O PLEASE LET THERE B 80 DEGREE WEATHER IN FL. AND KEEP LAUREN COURT AND STEFI INtERESANTE OVER BREAK :).



love my cat

*vital to read in an english accent

Some thing people may not know about me is my love of Jane Austen, Keira Knightley, movies and England. Recent obsessions they may be but curious as they are. Three of my favorite movies are those either involved with Jane Austen, Keira knightley, England and depression. Here is a brief overview... (in order from which i loved to those i liked.)



Pride and Prejudice.
Young Women in the 1700s and 1800s--any women actually--were rather intrigued with marriage. Intrigued is a word that falls short of their obsession. Marriage to them was their whole life. What would they do when their parents died? become a seamstress? Who on earth would marry a seamstress? One young Lizzy was not of that sort. Of course she was interested but becoming obsessed like her sisters was out of the question. Lizzy delved into her father's books and into her sisters romantic life. Oh yes she admired men and even had hopes for one but that young sir was a great dissapointment. Lizzy's stubborness was great but her pride was the only thing stopping her from an easily happy marriage. Watching her sister falling in love had given her hope only to find Jane's heart exposed to the worlds bitterness. All the while she refused an offer from a most out of the ordinary cousin, delt with her other sister's immaturity, watched as Jane set out to London to find her love, went to visit a friend who accepted the odd cousin only to refuse Darcy, who has, in her opinion, a great pride when really, it was her pride and his prejudice. After one of the younger sisters sets out to make the whole family a tragedy by intensive flirting, the story takes a turn when lizzy goes with her aunt and uncle only to find their carriage break in front of Darcy's home. After an awkwardly pleasant trip to his home with her aunt and uncle, she returns home concerned about that younger sibling who ran away with her first love and Lizzy had own news of a love that she would like to keep as a secret. Finding about the younger's engagement, she finds Darcy helped with the wedding and that Jane's love returned to their town. Jane accepts his proposal. To finish the story, Dary's evil aunt sets Lizzy off and a morning spent outside leads to an engagement with the rich and charming Mr. Darcy. A truly hapy ending that i have to see over and over. The movie doesnt show Lizzy's emotion as well as the book which is where her thoughts and judgments fill the pages.


Atonement.
It may be something in the peaceful forests of Britain or just the characters mysterious ways that makes one fall so much in love with the picture forming while the film rolls on. Pleasantly frustrating, as he tries to get in, you know she has feelings for him. Bitter they may be, but feelings none the less. Yet when everything seems to come together, it just takes a turn with a small little problem. That problem lies and assumes. The assumptions then lead to misery from both ends of the love stricken couple. Seeing as though that little problem could not live with herself, she had them see eachother once more before there lives pass. As the story continues one comes aware that the lovely couple never has a chance to see one another ever again as they both parish within the same year. The novel and picture are of the depressing sort and one feels strangely hurt and depressed after watching and reading Atonement.


Becoming Jane
Jane Austen is my favorite writer without a doubt. She livved to age forty one and started her works at age twenty one. Without marriage, she wrote only of her own experiences. The movie tells the story of two different people coming together and tearing away. Austen live din the country, Lefroy lived in London. Austen wrote (in private which the movie did NOT address) Lefroy was a lawyer who was supported by his uncle. Lefroy was forced to livewith his relatives in the country where he met Austen. Their introduction wasnt so pleasent. They argued a lot as Lefory thought her a joke and she thought him.. pompous. He quickly bgan to flirt and it took her some time as to get over her pride and see him as the one she loved. The next day he left. They met eachother again, traveling. He went to ask his uncle for permission to marry her and he said no. When they didnt know what to do Lefroy decided to side with his Uncle (seeing as though he supported Lefroy.) Jane of course left living in sorrow and pitty but making it. When he showed up the next time, he was engaged and she was too (she did not want anything to do with her man but rudely accepted.) Lefroy asked her to run away with him. she said yes. She realized he had to support many mnay mnay siblings back in Ireland and left him, of ocurse she was still in love. Lefroy married and later named one of his daughters Jane (which may just be the cutest thing ive ever heard even if it didnt happen and it was just in the movie.) They saw eachother when Jane had published her five novels and Jane Lefroy was excited to meet her. Austen then did a reading (upon Jane's request) and of course Lefroy couldnt help but smile as he saw her again. (they added a cute ending but her love life was very sad indeed.)





“I think every girl is looking for her Mr Darcy.” Keira Knightley
How interesting the life of Jane Austen is even though her days were long and boring giving her pleanty of time to think. What i would give to live in England in that time period with balls and ribbons as a huge ordeal.
"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment." Jane Austen

poem

Cut my heart out to give to you

Stole it back when i knew our love wasnt true

Had i not burried it away,

I wouldve given it to you today

1/14/08

Things happen when those people leave

A piece of you has walked away

A part of you changes to fill it up

And when they come back

There just isnt any room anymore...

1/29/08

Who i was HATES who ive been... or is it opposite?

"I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said

That it's the very moment that

I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been."

who i am hates who ive been by relient k

If you think you know me, you probably do not. Most people judge me thinking i love to be social and around people and i love to have people over and just gossip all through the night. Well first of all, i love being alone and in the state of mind that just lets me wallow in self pitty over the things i have or trying to make myselfbe a better person--you know just focusing on me. To gossip means nothing to me, a bunch of useless garbage people throw around about eachother beacause their lives are way too boring or out of a jealous rage. Have i ever gossiped before? Of course i am a blonde girl in highschool, what else to you expect me to do. Actually you cant escpape it, if you have friends, you hear it and if they ask you tell them because you do not want to dissapoint them... once again.

One thing i love is jus to stare and think. I swim among the thoughts in my head not knowing what to do with my life but think, analyze people, make things harder for people, and focus on how negative my life is as a fifteen year old highschool student making my way through this pit we call life with a dimly lit candle and those thoughts swirling in my head. I have my leader, but sometimes my candle grows dim (such as now) and i do not know what to do and try to find my way myself. I step on some thorns and next thing you know i am face down and bloody, but still entwined in the numb fingers is the light picking me up and pulling me away and warming my heart yet again.

Nobody really cares about what i have to say, lets face it: like me and everyone else in this world anyone who would see this would get bored by now and go to their own little world. Tell you the truth i am not saddened by tha fact. I dont know how to say this without sounding like i think im not selfish. Honestly i am one of the most selfish people you may ever meet. Its about how selfish i am not to care i guess.. maybe. what im trying to say is, i really DO care about what people say. sometimes it is like sitting for hours with a 400 watt lamp shining in your eyes and people all around yelling their own problems over the others and just trying to be heard and waiting for someone to help and someone to care. I like to listen and people dont get that i like listening and making people laugh more than i like talking about me and how i feel--exept in writing as you see here. even when i say 'i dont care' i do. i care about everything and it bugs me. i wish i was one of those people who couldnt care less about anything in life, and the sad thing is, i TRY to be one of those people. i pretend not to care about my grades, about what people think of me, about sstupid peoples problems... but i do and i dont like it.

So your probably wondering why i dont like to talk about my feelings (or not.) its a simple concept really: usually when i express myself, i get shot down yelled at rejected laughed at and/or (and most common) people telling me that that is so stupid for you to feel that way or think that way and your not even supposed to think/feel that way.

"heartbreak baby is half the fun, you bring the bullets i'll bring the guns. take ten steps then turn and draw i shoot from the hip & watch you fall..." Shoot from the Hip by A Change Of Pace. Good song. i dont think ive ever had my heart broken, just my dreams slashed. When you get really pumped, everything is going fine and when you turn around, its as if you welcomed a bullet in your heart with open arms. ive experienced this a lot, quite frequently actually. Like when mallory and bianka left. I loved them, i really did. No matter how angry or jealous i got, i would always love them and will always love them. Or alex when he left. ok so me liking that little bitch had something to do with it, but i was so sad when he didnt come around. He was really fun and a good friend, but when he left, something left with him. Sam brown leaving too was a big one, not only because she left, but the reason why. i thought she was so into it but then stabbing it in the back was heart wrenching. one of the most resent is Lauren Shermer<3

Lauren Shermer is one unique individual. She is pretty, smart, independent, and very creative. She was one of my best friends and someone i looked up to. She was a leader and led in the right direction-moat of the time. She left Xenos around when Sam left. There was a big part of me that left with her. Her original-ness kept me different. I liked not caring. When she left, others started to leave and i had to make new friends. So i changed A LOT. Now me when she left, it felt like i abandoned her. That is the worst news i can possibly hear from someone. Someone telling me that i dont care about them anymore, that they dont feel loved!?! how terrible of a person am i to make her feel that way.

Well all in all, youd think i was depressed cause i said all this. i may be but am not. you will never know. i just am not right now because i choose to be happy. I like being happy. This is just the way i think, so dont think i am sad.

(except about Lauren.)

STUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

^that would be my collage of awesomeness!!!!!!!!! awesome!
^Brooke Davis in One tree hill feels alone..... yeah

^two different song lyrics on therr. peyton in the dress (from one tree hill) as u may realize, i draw tons while watching one tree hill..

^^^thats a quote from the character Brooke in the fabulouse tv show One Tree Hill. I thought it was an intense moment therrr.

^that is actually in a song sung by a girl on One Tree Hill, her first performance in front of people. Its called October by Haley James Scott or Bethany Joy Galleotti.

:D ANDIE MCPFIZZLE
i dont think anyone knows how much i love and appreciate Andie Mcphee. (Even though i am guessin on the last name spelling.)
She is my deciple-er and friend
She teaches me and includes me
She leads me and i like to follow
I am honest around her and she doesnt laugh
She asks me deep questions while really caring
She understands my answers even when they r confusing
i dont understand myself yet she finds something to my feelings
and teaches me how God wants me to be
and i dont know how to thank theeeeeee andie mcpheeeeee :]



truthfully i have grown so close to andie. she probably knows the most about me other than A-dawg(asta.) and we are so similar so she reaaaaaaaaallly helps me and i can relate to her and she to me. i feel as though i am struggling in my walk w/ the Lord but she is really helping. I dont know if she knows but the Lord is working through her greatly. I just feel as though i can trust her cause i tell her lotsa shiiit bout me but she also tells me stuff about her life and her struggles loving people and what she has done. Well thank you Andie. And thank you Lord for Andie.








"There is nothing you could do that me and Nicole have already done. learn from our mistakes."Mcphizzle
"Well i haven't gotten pregnant."Wonder
"Oh me neither."Mcphizzle

HAH--she was joking...then it just got funnierrrr :)))))

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I.dunno.just.skip...tis.gayyyyy

If you think you know me, you probably do not. Most people judge me thinking i love to be social and around people and i love to have people over and just gossip all through the night. Well first of all, i love being alone and in the state of mind that just lets me wallow in self pitty over the things i have or trying to make myselfbe a better person--you know just focusing on me. To gossip means nothing to me, a bunch of useless garbage people throw around about eachother beacause their lives are way too boring or out of a jealous rage. Have i ever gossiped before? Of course i am a blonde girl in highschool, what else to you expect me to do. Actually you cant escpape it, if you have friends, you hear it and if they ask you tell them because you do not want to dissapoint them... once again.
One thing i love is jus to stare and think. I swim among the thoughts in my head not knowing what to do with my life but think, analyze people, make things harder for people, and focus on how negative my life is as a fifteen year old highschool student making my way through this pit we call life with a dimly lit candle and those thoughts swirling in my head. I have my leader, but sometimes my candle grows dim (such as now) and i do not know what to do and try to find my way myself. I step on some thorns and next thing you know i am face down wih bloody, but still entwined in the numb fingers is the light picking me up and pulling me away and warming my heart yet again.
Nobody really cares about what i have to say, lets face it: like me and everyone else in this world anyone who would see this would get bored by now and go to their own little world. Tell you the truth i am not saddened by tha fact. I dont know how to say this without sounding like i think im not selfish. Honestly i am one of the most selfish people you may ever meet. Its about how selfish i am not to care i guess.. maybe. Well i dont feel like writing bout that anymore. im kinda happy and i dont want to ruin that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOALS

Today in descipleship, one topic led to another and we ended up talking anout setting goals for relationships. And i decided to set some goals for people and when we were talking andie said they all sounded the same.. and i think that has a lot to do with me... Well i realized goals are very good and i think the ones we talked bout for me n friends are a pretty good start. Some deal with Asta and bffs then theres my parents and people like... well b. crazy huh? but i think it will help.

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WRITING & CAREERS

Before break in la clase de journalism, we were getting our editorials back from the editors. I was sitting near Chloe and this is very serious to her but what people do not understand is that i enjoy it too. i want to do good and i love it i swear i just do not think i am capable of writing.. anyways so i said something like mine sucked so i just tried to make it better so it sucked worse so i threw in a suckier ending and it sucked.. so i dunno...

and chloe went all WELL YOU BETTER TAKE THIS SERIOUSELY!... and shiznit and that blew me away because this is one thing in lifei have always taken seriousely. I went through my old journals earlier today and there were always updates on our chiurch or family, poems, stories, or songs filling the pages. i liked to write just little 'quotes' i called them that maybe i would get remembered for. one of my favorites was when i wanted to be a photographer or journalist or model.. (haha i know & totally off topic): To be a photographer, yu have to know how to make things lok good and how to make people want it by showing its real beauty.

Writing to me has always been one way of expressing myself. dont hold it against me if i think i suck. this is something i will always take seriousely [repeat] even if i dont have the skill or spelling knowledge its just something i like okay?

i guess what im saying is... i wish i could be a good writer, i swear i would do anything, but no matter what, i do something wrong and its never great its just okay. and i want it to be great. i may be good at poetry but its too soft and emo, so i want to be a good journalist. i want to be a great journalist. and i dont want to be embarrassed. i dont know. im a weird. goodbye.

why cant i be good at art.. ya know?

cyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa