"I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."
who i am hates who ive been by relient k
If you think you know me, you probably do not. Most people judge me thinking i love to be social and around people and i love to have people over and just gossip all through the night. Well first of all, i love being alone and in the state of mind that just lets me wallow in self pitty over the things i have or trying to make myselfbe a better person--you know just focusing on me. To gossip means nothing to me, a bunch of useless garbage people throw around about eachother beacause their lives are way too boring or out of a jealous rage. Have i ever gossiped before? Of course i am a blonde girl in highschool, what else to you expect me to do. Actually you cant escpape it, if you have friends, you hear it and if they ask you tell them because you do not want to dissapoint them... once again.
One thing i love is jus to stare and think. I swim among the thoughts in my head not knowing what to do with my life but think, analyze people, make things harder for people, and focus on how negative my life is as a fifteen year old highschool student making my way through this pit we call life with a dimly lit candle and those thoughts swirling in my head. I have my leader, but sometimes my candle grows dim (such as now) and i do not know what to do and try to find my way myself. I step on some thorns and next thing you know i am face down and bloody, but still entwined in the numb fingers is the light picking me up and pulling me away and warming my heart yet again.
Nobody really cares about what i have to say, 
lets face it: like me and everyone else in this world anyone who would see this would get bored by now and go to their own little world. Tell you the truth i am not saddened by tha fact. I dont know how to say this without sounding like i think im not selfish. Honestly i am one of the most selfish people you may ever meet. Its about how selfish i am not to care i guess.. maybe. what im trying to say is, i really DO care about what people say. sometimes it is like sitting for hours with a 400 watt lamp shining in your eyes and people all around yelling their own problems over the others and just trying to be heard and waiting for someone to help and someone to care. I like to listen and people dont get that i like listening and making people laugh more than i like talking about me and how i feel--exept in writing as you see here. even when i say 'i dont care' i do. i care about everything and it bugs me. i wish i was one of those people who couldnt care less about anything in life, and the sad thing is, i TRY to be one of those people. i pretend not to care about my grades, about what people think of me, about sstupid peoples problems... but i do and i dont like it.
lets face it: like me and everyone else in this world anyone who would see this would get bored by now and go to their own little world. Tell you the truth i am not saddened by tha fact. I dont know how to say this without sounding like i think im not selfish. Honestly i am one of the most selfish people you may ever meet. Its about how selfish i am not to care i guess.. maybe. what im trying to say is, i really DO care about what people say. sometimes it is like sitting for hours with a 400 watt lamp shining in your eyes and people all around yelling their own problems over the others and just trying to be heard and waiting for someone to help and someone to care. I like to listen and people dont get that i like listening and making people laugh more than i like talking about me and how i feel--exept in writing as you see here. even when i say 'i dont care' i do. i care about everything and it bugs me. i wish i was one of those people who couldnt care less about anything in life, and the sad thing is, i TRY to be one of those people. i pretend not to care about my grades, about what people think of me, about sstupid peoples problems... but i do and i dont like it.So your probably wondering why i dont like to talk about my feelings (or not.) its a simple concept really: usually when i express myself, i get shot down yelled at rejected laughed at and/or (and most common) people telling me that that is so stupid for you to feel that way or think that way and your not even supposed to think/feel that way.
"heartbreak baby is half the fun, you bring the bullets i'll bring the guns. 
take ten steps then turn and draw i shoot from the hip & watch you fall..." Shoot from the Hip by A Change Of Pace. Good song. i dont think ive ever had my heart broken, just my dreams slashed. When you get really pumped, everything is going fine and when you turn around, its as if you welcomed a bullet in your heart with open arms. ive experienced this a lot, quite frequently actually. Like when mallory and bianka left. I loved them, i really did. No matter how angry or jealous i got, i would always love them and will always love them. Or alex when he left. ok so me liking that little bitch had something to do with it, but i was so sad when he didnt come around. He was really fun and a good friend, but when he left, something left with him. Sam brown leaving too was a big one, not only because she left, but the reason why. i thought she was so into it but then stabbing it in the back was heart wrenching. one of the most resent is Lauren Shermer<3
take ten steps then turn and draw i shoot from the hip & watch you fall..." Shoot from the Hip by A Change Of Pace. Good song. i dont think ive ever had my heart broken, just my dreams slashed. When you get really pumped, everything is going fine and when you turn around, its as if you welcomed a bullet in your heart with open arms. ive experienced this a lot, quite frequently actually. Like when mallory and bianka left. I loved them, i really did. No matter how angry or jealous i got, i would always love them and will always love them. Or alex when he left. ok so me liking that little bitch had something to do with it, but i was so sad when he didnt come around. He was really fun and a good friend, but when he left, something left with him. Sam brown leaving too was a big one, not only because she left, but the reason why. i thought she was so into it but then stabbing it in the back was heart wrenching. one of the most resent is Lauren Shermer<3Lauren Shermer is one unique individual.
She is pretty, smart, independent, and very creative. She was one of my best friends and someone i looked up to. She was a leader and led in the right direction-moat of the time. She left Xenos around when Sam left. There was a big part of me that left with her. Her original-ness kept me different. I liked not caring. When she left, others started to leave and i had to make new friends. So i changed A LOT. Now me when she left, it felt like i abandoned her. That is the worst news i can possibly hear from someone. Someone telling me that i dont care about them anymore, that they dont feel loved!?! how terrible of a person am i to make her feel that way. Well all in all, youd think i was depressed cause i said all this. i may be but am not. you will never know. i just am not right now because i choose to be happy. I like being happy. This is just the way i think, so dont think i am sad.
(except about Lauren.)
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